You Will Need
8 frozen quarter-pound hamburger patties, 80% lean
Hamburger buns
Sliced cheese
Hamburger sauce (recipe below)
Sliced onions or sliced pickled sweet banana peppers

Cooking The Meat
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Find a baking dish big enough to hold your patties, and spray it with non-stick cooking spray.  Don’t use a cookie sheet – the dish needs sides to catch the grease that will come out of the burgers.

Lay out the patties in a single layer.  Edges may touch but not overlap.

Sprinkle with salt, pepper, and garlic powder.

Bake for 40 minutes at 350.  Turning not required.

Other Prep
While the meat is cooking, make hamburger sauce.  The ingredients are sweet relish, mustard, mayo, and ketchup.  Start with equal parts and adjust in the way that seems good to you.  You will need half a cup total for 8 burgers – about a tablespoon of sauce each.

When the meat is 5-10 minutes from done, open the buns and lay out the bottom halves.  Put a piece of cheese on each bun.

Slice the onions or pick your peck of pickled peppers (Duke’s favorite).

Assembly
When the meat is done, remove the pan from the oven.  Using a spatula, separate the goobers from the meat.  As you take each  patty from pan, tilt it for a moment to let the extra grease fall back into the pan.  Place each patty on a cheesy bun bottom.

Put a spoonful of hamburger sauce on each patty, and top with a few onion or pepper slices.

Put the bun tops on.

At this point you have eight identical yummy cheeseburgers, which you can either serve to your guests immediately, or wrap and refrigerate for later snackification.

Nuke-A-Duke
To reheat a refrigerated (not frozen) Dukeburger, microwave 1-2 minutes at 50-60% power.  If you use a higher setting, you will get overcooked cheese or bread and your burger will be cold in the middle.

• The Pontificators was formed because it seemed that this little family cluster had a high percentage of creative people — writers, poets, songwriters and artists — who would benefit from a forum for their work.  And instead of an individual forum (which some of us have already done elsewhere), a shared forum would be great because we could pool our creative output into a common stew of goodness, which would help keep the content fresh.
• Fresh for whom, you might ask? For our millio — er, hundre — uh, possible dozen readers.  We always assumed our stuff was worth reading, and that eventually we would draw an audience.  Pass the purple crayon, I’ll draw us one now… (scritch scritch)
• When and if we get more readers, having some targeted advertising would help defray the costs of hosting the site, and maybe buy an annual bucket of chicken for the family picnic.

In other words:

Phase 1: Start thepontificators.com
Phase 2: ???
Phase 3: Profit!!!

So I hooked up with Google’s Adsense program, along with Powell’s Books and Emusic.com.  Go over there right now and click all those ads, willya?  Thanks.

Adsense is kinda cool, because Google somehow monitors page content and serves ads related to what is on the same page.  And (full disclosure) every time someone clicks on one of those ads The Pontificators get a little love, anywhere from 10 or 20 cents to over a buck.  Heck, if you sign up for an Emusic.com free trial, we get *SIX* bucks.  So do that now too please.  Operators are standing by.

So the first day or so that the Google ads were up, there was an ad for MyJewishLearning.com.  Sign up for free Jewish recipes in your email.  So I clicked on it.  I figured, hey, win-win-win.  I like any kind of food; I like Jewish food, what I know of it; and I’m interested in all things Jewish from a cultural and historical perspective.  PLUS I get some $love$ for my click.

Here is my report: MyJewishLearning.com is pretty cool.  I get a couple emails a week; they’re not spam-bombing me.  I have clicked through to the main site and it’s nicely put together.  Of the skillion pages on the intarweb, I’m glad I learned about this one.  They even have an all-things-Jewish-for-Dummies series of flash videos called Tod and God.  In Episode 3, God, a redheaded female genie DJ, tells Tod how and why to hang a mezuzah.  What could be more awesome?

In other news, I didn’t get my nickel.  I don’t know why.  Maybe Google somehow knew I was the owner of the page, and won’t pay me for my own clicks, the nefarious bastards.

You might have noticed that I have mentioned MyJewishLearning.com a half dozen times, but haven’t linked it.  That’s because I’m hoping all these mentions of the site and other Jewish things will make the link come up OVER THERE >>>>> (pointing to Google AdSense).

Because if you click it there, we get some love.  And everybody needs love, baby.

There were people millin all around
I could see them from where I stood
They were cryin and holdin out their hands
But I could do them no good
‘Cause I’d slept too long
And the sun was gone
I’d slept too long
And the sun was gone 

  Jesus — Lord you’ve got to fill me
  Keep me rememberin Lord
  Keep me rememberin Lord

When I was walkin all alone
Nobody walked by me
You split my darkness like a sword through a stone
You gave me light and sweet company

And in the desert when I had no rest
My tongue was swollen and dry
You brought cool water to my aching heart
And you stood between me and the sky
I remember, Lord
I remember, Lord

This is a subversive post.  It’s one of Alvin’s lyrics, but is being posted by me, Duke, without Alvin’s knowledge or permission.  Alvin is a tremendous songwriter, but has not posted any of his lyrics here yet (I think).  So I’m outing him.  I think he’ll be OK with that, but if he’s not, I have prepared a statement:

“Neener neener, you’re not the boss of me!” <Runs to bedroom, slams door.  Hides in closet.>

The mental habits that twenty years of software development forces upon one have many disadvantages: we tend to break things into pieces instead of seeing them whole; we believe that solutions which don’t bear up under logical scrutiny are unacceptable; and we like the rhythm of lists of three items even when we can only think of two.

But they have advantages too. Over the years, I’ve gotten pretty comfortable with Boolean arithmetic, that strange math whose operands are True and False and whose operators are And, Or, Xor, and Not. So now I will exhibit some developer’s hubris (another occupational hazard) and apply Boolean arithmetic to some of the big philosophical questions.

The Cartesian product of two binary states has four possible results. Huh? In plain English, if we have Thing 1 and Thing 2, each of which can be true or false, then there are four possible combinations: Both things true, both things false, and the two combinations of one each.

For this discussion, my Two Things are God and Free Will. God (Creator, First Cause, atom spinner) either exists or (s)he does not. People either have free will (the ability to evaluate inputs and make uncoerced decisions) or they do not. A mountain of books have been written about the nature of God and of free will, but let’s set aside the discussion of their nature beyond the brief definitions already provided, and focus on their combinations of existence. We’ll solve the simplest problem first and build on that, which is another thing programmers do.

If God exists or does not, and we humans do or do not have free will, then we live in one of four universes:

No God, no free will: Biological Determinism. This is an increasingly popular viewpoint, which states that free will is an illusion. What appear to be decisions are really the artifacts of an 80-year-long chemical reaction going on in our brains. If you put a brain in a particular state and feed it the right combination of oxygen, sugars, and neurotransmitters, that brain will not only root for the Pittsburgh Steelers, it will even spout apparently plausible reasons for having “chosen” to do so. But it’s not choice, not even thinking. It’s chemistry. It’s stimulus and response. If you stimulate a flatworm with a mild electrical current, it curls up. But did it decide to? Do flatworms think at all? If they don’t choose and we do, what is the nature of the difference?

This philosophy sounds like it was invented by engineers, with their huge blind spot of “If I can’t measure it, I will insist that it does not exist, and cite Occam’s Razor, whatever that is.” Brain cells can be seen. Brain chemistry can be detected, measured, and duplicated in simple terms. But the consciousness, the part of the brain that calls itself “I” and decides whether or not it likes bacon, cannot be detected or measured. But if you beat on the brain — sever its connections, remove pieces of it, or bathe it in various chemicals — the “I” changes and so do the decisions. Therefore chemistry trumps consciousness, and the illusion of free will is merely a by-product that is thrown off by the brain as it works, like a light bulb throws off waste heat.

Which begs the question: is this a universe you want to live in? The determinists have an answer for that: “The question means nothing, as does your response. You’re not choosing to like or dislike determinism, because determinism says your choice is an illusion.” So deal. Your life, along with everyone else’s, is part of the remainder of a huge division problem which was set up billions of years ago (they don’t say how or by whom) and has been chunking along ever since.

God but no free will: The Puppet Show. In this universe, God exists, but humans do not have the power to make independent choices. Which means that we are either God’s paper dolls, with whom (s)he plays to relieve the boredom of being immortal and alone; or we are God’s screen saver, pretty random patterns thrown up for the amusement they may provide.

This universe is equally unpalatable to deists and humanists.  Deists want God to be better than that.  Humanists believe they are better than that.

Both universes which lack free will are morally bankrupt, because in them morality itself does not exist. If morality involves the existence of right and wrong and the consequences of choosing one over the other, the whole house of cards falls down if there is no choice.

Either one of these universes make a fine home if you want to take no responsibility for your actions. Just substitue “Brain chemicals” or “God’s predestination” for “The Devil” in the phrase “The Devil made me do it.” It explains the Steelers, bacon, and that thing you did last weekend that you don’t want to discuss here.

But if you’re like me, you prefer a universe where some of these so-called illusions are real. Life makes more sense to me if I live in a world where my choices are my own and my actions have consequences. So let’s take a look at the remaining two universes.

No God, but free will: Invictus. “Invictus” is the title of the most famous work by William Ernest Henley. I won’t cite the whole poem here, or even give you a URL. If you don’t have enough brains or initiative to find it yourself, you shouldn’t be reading this essay anyway — go play, Daddy’s talking grown-up talk to the big people.

Which pretty much sums up this universe: It’s all up to you. Learn, count the cost, choose, and bear the consequences. Your actions mean something. In fact, your actions mean everything, because there is no heavenly yardstick of rightness and no eternal reward for being golly-gosh goodly and godly.

Invictus is a great poem. it’s filled with firm rolling cadences. It is the internal monologue of a hero. It’s where we get the phrase “My head is bloody but unbowed,” and it ends “I am the master of my fate / I am the captain of my soul.” Yesss! Score! It’s Captain America time! Do the difficult right thing over and over because you are strong enough and smart enough to do so, and because every choice you make matters! Your choice may be the first action of a butterfly-wings effect that changes the world forever! Boo-yah!

Can you tell how much I adore this universe? Free will makes me responsible for my actions — which I like — and the absence of God means no carrot and no stick. Things are right because they are, and you choose them because you would rather choose right than wrong, which makes you awesome.

And of course, the absence of God puts humans at the center of the universe. This world view could just as easily be subtitled “It’s All About Me.” But is it, really?

Both universes which deny free will have a logical flaw: without free will, life means nothing. In a similar fashion, both universes which deny God have a logical flaw: they lack a first cause. Who set up the dominoes and pushed the first one over? Look at anything as small as an atom, as pretty as a fern frond, or as big as a galaxy, and it’s easy to see the phrase “Some Assembly Required” in big invisible letters. The second law of thermodynamics (which has proven trustworthy so far) says that in a closed system, entropy — the level of randomness and the dispersal of energy — increases over time. Clocks run down but they don’t run up. Over the course of time, a stone wall falls apart but it does not fall together.

In a godless universe that starts out with nothing but disorganized atoms, every complex structure had to fall together somehow, with no plan but the randomness provided by an infinite number of immortal typing monkees. And who created them?

This is like saying you can put together a jigsaw puzzle by shaking the loose pieces in the box. It’s easy to imagine that two pieces out of a thousand might eventually fall together. But would they stay joined while you continued to shake? Or would the random energy be just as likely to shake them apart as it would be to shake the next two pieces together? What about eight pieces, or a hundred?

Godless scientists (a description, not a value judgment) get around this argument by saying that we have an infinite amount of time to work with, and that eventually there is a random configuration which puts all the pieces together. Yeah right. I’m not sure I’m ready to buy into that theory. It is not intuitive; my common sense rebels against it. “Fiat Lux!” may be glib and trite, but it sure does wrap up the act of creation in a nice neat bow.

Which leads us to the fourth universe. God and free will: It’s All Happening. If a choiceless universe is soulless and a godless universe is implausibly assembled, then the universe which is most satisfying emotionally and intellectually is the one in which God and free will exist side by side. God — whether you see him as attentive shepherd or blind watchmaker — sets the whole works in motion, and free will makes it all interesting.

True, I have controlled the discussion. I have done all the talking, and you’ve been muttering “Yes, BUT…” as I’ve lead you down the garden path. But isn’t it happy? Isn’t it plausible? Isn’t it all for the best, in this the best of all possible worlds? Keep nodding, there’s a good little robot <head pat>.

Ladies and gentlemen, behold my bear trap. You have watched me build it, sharpen it, oil it, and set it. In my next installment, I will ask you to step in it. We have seen the logical flaws in universes one through three; does the fourth universe have its own “gotcha” as well?

I think it does.

Yr bud, Duke

2. Flowing white robes; unlimited power, money, and/or sex.

3. Mass suicide; fiery confrontations; hard time for tax evasion and/or statutory rape.

It shoud be obvious that the trick is STOPPING AT STEP TWO. Pay attention, all you wackos.

p.s. I have already formulated the central thesis of my cult. I’m just looking for the right door to nail it up on.

There’s just one thing, though: my daughter is gay.

She was raised in a Christian home by two married heterosexual parents who were far from perfect, but who loved her, tried hard, and had good intentions. She was tucked in, read to, tickled, prayed with, prayed over, and taken to church. When she came out to me, she told me that she was gay before she knew what the term meant. Her natural attraction was to people of her own gender, and had been since before she was any kind of crazy — boy-crazy, girl-crazy, whatever.

She tells me that her same-gender orientation is part of who she is, not a choice, and I believe her without reservation. I have an inkling of what this has cost her and how difficult it has made her life. I don’t think she would want to stick with it if it was something she was merely choosing.

What do I want for my daughter? I want what every parent wants: I want her to be happy and love her life; I want her to find someone who loves her and wants to share everything with her. Who that person will be is something only she can know. I could no more choose that person’s gender than I could choose their name. And why would I even want to?

My mom taught me to stand up for what’s right. Mom’s gone now, but that part of her is strong in me, and I have tried to pass it on to my kids. They do a good job of it, even when — especially when — they are standing up to me. So I can’t be anything but proud of her as I watch the grace and determination she brings to dealing with the world’s reaction to this part of her, even as she is tackling so many other big changes in her life.

For some people, the gay rights issue is about whiners who want special treatment for an unpopular and unpleasant hobby. It may be that simple to you, but my life, my love, and my daughter have taught me differently. So when you talk about “gays” as if they were all one thing, and all wrong, please choose your words carefully and speak with respect. Because this is my daughter you are talking about, and I will take it personally.

Make a typical bourbon on the rocks, but put a splash of Amaretto in the top.  To make this drink correctly, you should then stir it with your index finger, and suck the finger clean while making loud smacking sounds.

I had some Amaretto left over from a recipe, and couldn’t figure out how else to drink it — the stuff is so damn sweet.  I found that mixing it with bourbon cut the sweetness and made an interesting drink.

It has also been said that an Irish man would step over the bodies of twelve naked women to get to a bottle of whisky; my personal limit is five.