For example, the last time I was drunk (roughly five minutes ago) I became extremely enamored of chess. I know this seems off the subject, but bear with me. I watched the movie “Searching for Bobby Fischer,” and afterward I started reading chess related items on the internet, the entertainment of which was strengthened by the amount of alcohol in my system. At any rate, I was reading about chess, which led, predictably, to staring at the floor. And thanks to old Cappy Morgan, I started to notice that the inanimate objects around the room, particularly the carpet, were actually moving towards me. It was as though they wanted to get to know me better, and maybe take me out later for drinks. I found this extremely fascinating for the three seconds it took for me to fall down. But the real humor came from noticing that it all happened in slow motion, which takes place a lot when you’re drunk, and therefore can be overdone. Just like in all those action movies that contain some scene where the crook or hero walks toward the camera in slow motion while something behind him (building, car, airplane, the neighbor’s dog, etc.) explodes, or is just generally spouting flames everywhere.

Here I must take a moment to “reign myself in” before I start to send the wrong message, such as: “Walking away from fire in slow motion is no longer cool.” Oh wait, that’s actually a good message. I meant: “Drinking is cool! It doesn’t really make you act like a piece of asparagus that’s been dipped in LSD and then jammed into an electrical outlet!” Where was I going with this? Oh yes, before I start accidentally sending that message, let me just say this: Nothing happens when an LSD laced stalk of asparagus gets plugged in, so don’t even bother. No wait! Let me try this again: I don’t recommend getting drunk on any kind of regular, or irregular for that matter, basis. Despite the humor that can arise, alcohol tends to magnify emotions, so that you start blubbering like an idiot when Tom Hanks falls through the floor while wrapped in a carpet in “Money Pit.” Also, it can put you in the compromising position of simultaneously trying to decide whether or not to throw up, while determining how far away the toilet is, in inches (268).

So, all you young folks out there, please leave getting drunk to the professionals, like Ted Kennedy. Also, when contemplating gravity, don’t forget your asparagus! I mean helmet!

Make a typical bourbon on the rocks, but put a splash of Amaretto in the top.  To make this drink correctly, you should then stir it with your index finger, and suck the finger clean while making loud smacking sounds.

I had some Amaretto left over from a recipe, and couldn’t figure out how else to drink it — the stuff is so damn sweet.  I found that mixing it with bourbon cut the sweetness and made an interesting drink.

It has also been said that an Irish man would step over the bodies of twelve naked women to get to a bottle of whisky; my personal limit is five.

Memories leave a bad taste
Like old meat caught in my back teeth

Talk to me
Don’t talk to me
Don’t look at me that way

I need another drink

Trolls are sad drunks.

My challenge to you:  Write a poem about the sad, sad, drunken troll.  Come on.  You know you want to.  Besides, it might cheer him up.  And a little FYI, stories are acceptable in lieu of poems.

Little Miss Sunshine
1 part Sauza Gold tequila
2 parts Margarita mix
1 part fresh orange juice

Mix; chill; drink; repeat; sing; mumble; sleep.