I think I’ve been rebelling.
I remember always having a desire to please my parents, or others in authority. Not in a kiss-up sort of way, but just because I really wanted to be good. This carried over into school, of course, and I remember being stressed a lot, especially in fourth grade. I had stomach problems because of frustration caused by not doing an assignment perfectly, by missing a math problem, falling behind in something.
My few years in high school, and my beginning college classes were the same. I’d stress over every assignment, I’d scramble for the extra credit even if my grade wasn’t in trouble. Anything below an A was unacceptable to me. It meant I wasn’t smart, I wasn’t very good, I didn’t meet expectations or perform at an appropriate level.
Okay, all this stuff is silly. I really do understand that on an intellectual level. But it remains. And now, at 30 years old, back in college full time…I feel myself rebelling. I started out okay, but my first term at PSU I got a B. It sucked. I was aggravated with myself. I felt stupid, I felt like I stood out in a crowd, that everyone did awesome but somehow I sucked worse at this than Alexander the Great did at growing old. So the next term, I got all A’s. It was a relief, but I wasn’t satisfied, because I knew deep down inside that the only reason I got an A in my math class was because the professor handed out extra credit points like they do condoms in high school. It wasn’t because I put in the effort.
So now this term… I have all the same stress and disappointment looming if I do poorly. But my brain is sick of it. I am tired as all get-out of pushing for an A and still feeling like I didn’t do as well as I should. And even though I dislike myself for it, very much so, I’ve rebelled this term. I’ve only been to two of my history classes. I’ve missed four or five weeks of linear algebra, and a week and a half of calculus II. I’ve been keeping up with calc on a superficial level, meaning that I’m getting homework done barely on time (and missed a few assignments). I’m studying sort of for the tests, but not concentrating and making stupid stupid mistakes. I’m sitting somewhere around a B- in that class.
My history class requires 7 2-page papers. Should be a breeze. I have yet to spend more than a couple hours on each one, the night (or morning) before it’s due. I have yet to pick any of them up so I have no idea how I’m doing in the class. I’m not reading the material, just using the index and throwing footnotes around like they’re going out of style (24 footnotes for a 2 page paper? Really?)
My linear algebra? He gave us an opportunity to take the first test twice, and he’d take the highest score of the two. My first attempt was a 70, my second was a full-blown F. I’ve only turned in half the homework. That means I’m sitting at a D right now. But here’s the kicker: There’s a test tomorrow, over material that I have not only NOT studied, but I haven’t even learned yet. Almost a chapter’s worth.
Part of me thinks that because I’ve treated the term like this, somehow the pressure I always put on myself will be gone in the subsequent terms. As though this was my way of “sowing my wild oats” or something before I grow up (grow up? Wait…I’m 30, right?). Part of me blames my natural laziness (obviously that’s playing a big role), and part of me really really really really wants to blame anything but me, some sort of extenuating circumstance to explain this potential 1.6 GPA term and not hate myself for it.
My parents have both told me not a big deal. My overall GPA after this term is still a 3.2, and if I don’t fuck up this summer it’s back up to over 3.5. But it doesn’t seem to help. I have so much shame over it, and personal disappointment, and self-directed anger.
Oh, and thanks for letting me treat ThePontificators as my own personal therapy session! Weeee
Diagnosis: Someone needs to dunk her head in a bucket of ice water.
Also, mom and dad, I’m sorry I used the F-word in there.
I blame Gordon Ramsey’s influence.
“It’s fresh, it’s vibrant, yes?”
That sucks dude, I’m sorry. I sorta saw something like this happening. You do stress out so much over grades, worse than anyone I know. A rebellion moment was inevitable.
My advice (unsolicited, I know) is to worry less about grades and more about learning the material. That’s what you’re really there for. I mean, you need the credentials to land the job, but without actually learning the material, what’s the point? Just focus on the learning itself. I suspect that if you do, your grades will pick up naturally, and you won’t have all that stress piled on you (which is a contributor to pain, I might add…).
Okay, the annoying nosey sibling signing off.
I feel your pain. I cannot begin to advise except to say:
You are one of the most beautiful people I know. You will be fine. Sink or swim this semester, you will be fine. Try to aim for shore but ain’t no biggie if you have to float to the other side of the kiddie rope.
Cut yourself some slack and stop trying to meet someone else’s expectations. Love yourself with food on your shirt, bills paid late and body dims less than perfect. I love you with all my heart. You are beautiiful, smart, articulate, and too hard on yourself.
Make it or break it this semester, no one is keeping score. In the grand scheme of things, you are SO LOVED!
Do something for yourself to make YOU smile every day. You deserve it because you are YOU.
i LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT!!
I love you guys!
*hugs and love*!!! =)
Ditto, Kiddo!
To quote Mick Jagger (who should know something about self-destructive behavior) “It’s OK to let yourself go. You just need to remember to let yourself back.”
I think one of the most mysterious things in our lives is how and why we do self-destructive things that we don’t really want to do. Sunday night I stayed up till 4AM finishing Dan Brown’s Angels & Demons (which I had read before a few years ago, so it’s not like I needed to know how it ended). Got 4 hours sleep, felt like crap all day at work, almost dozed off in a meeting. Monday night I was a good boy and got 9 hours sleep, which was easy beacuse I was exhausted. Felt great Tuesday, got a ton of work done. Worked on charts for the band until midnight — then watched movies on cable until 4. OhcrapohshitIdiditagain.
Don’t feel quite so bad today — of course I had a No-Doz with my breakfast. But I feel stupid that I shot myself in the foot twice in three days. And it hurt plenty the first time. What’s up with that?
Just because we live with ourselves all our lives doesn’t mean we aren’t a mystery. My advice to myself (which may also apply to you) is to keep trying to figure out why I do stupid things, and to cut myself some slack and develop effective coping / prevention strategies in the meantime.
And don’t forget to love yourself. You are the only you you have, and the only one of you we have too.
Arthur